Bobby’s Corner: A New Milestone!

Hey fellow socialists! It's me, your adored hero, Bobby Mugabe again. Yeah, I know it's been a while. But things get so busy sometimes running an anti-imperialist, new world order worker's paradise, its hard to take the time to send you all an update. But today, I made time to let you know about a significant milestone we have reached here. I have also set a new goal for my little socialist paradise that I think you'll all find exciting!

We have just issued the new, handy $10,000,000 bank note! Yes, I told you that everyone in Zimbabwe was now a millionaire, but this new note cuts down on the luggage space required to purchase something to eat. Like the other new milestone: the $15 million hamburger!

Forget the glitzy restaurants of New York and London: only in Zimbabwe would a hamburger actually cost millions of dollars.

The central bank of the southern African country has a issued a 10million Zimbabwe dollar note. The move increases the denomination of the nation's highest bank note more than tenfold.

Even so, a hamburger in an ordinary cafe in Zimbabwe costs 15 million Zimbabwe dollars.

The hope is that such a move will help end chronic cash shortages and disperse long, chaotic lines at banks and automated teller machines.

Reserve Bank Governor Gideon Gono said in a statement the 10 million Zimbabwe dollars notes will be issued along with 1 million and 5 million Zimbabwe dollars bills.

Previously, the highest existing note, introduced last month, was for 750,000 Zimbabwe dollars.

The new 10 million note is the equivalent of about £2 at the dominant black market exchange rate. A hamburger at an ordinary cafe costs about 15 million Zimbabwe dollars (£3).

That hamburger has trebled in price this month amid shortages of bread, meat and most basic goods.

Is this not wonderful news? Look at the progress we are making here! But as proud as I am about the wonderful changes I have brought about here, I will not rest until my new goal is realized. Remember that American hamburger chain that used to count how many hamburgers it had sold? They used to brag up "15 million served" and "100 million served" and so on. Well, they stopped counting those years ago and now say "billions and billions served." That gave me my new goal. I am directing every restaurant in the country to post a sign: "Billions and billions to BE served!"

God, I just love my ideas. I know you all do, too. Ta ta for now, kids. Fidel wants to play internet backgammon and he's on a losing streak. Maybe I can win the price of a burger off him.

Progressively yours,

Bobby Mugabe

Bobby’s Corner: Diamonds Are Forever - Or Until I Take Them

Hey there, western admirers! It's me, Bobby Mugabe, your favorite socialist icon! Just writing to tell you all about another great scam progressive program I've pulled off. You'll love this one. I managed to get my lapdogs loyal supporters in the legislature to okay a grab redistribution of all the assets of the mining companies in Zimbabwe. This way I can hand out the assets to various supporters the people. Damn, I'm good.

President Mugabe unleashed a devastating new blow to Zimbabwe’s mortally wounded economy yesterday, announcing a new law giving the state a controlling stake in mines operating in the country.

Under the Mines and Minerals Amendment Bill, the Government can take over 51 per cent of companies mining strategic fuels and minerals, taking 25 per cent without paying.

The balance of 26 per cent it needs for a majority shareholding will be paid for, it said. However, the Bill brazenly asserts that payment will come from dividends earned from the state’s shares in the companies it takes without having to pay. It gives the state seven years in which to do it.

The Bill justifies its seizure “in virtue (sic) of its original ownership of all useful minerals in its subsoil”. Companies mining other minerals will be taken over by indigenous Zimbabweans. The method of payment is not specified.

Why at the rate I'm going, the folks living here in my little worker's paradise will be billionaires! It will only cost about 20 cents American to buy a billion Zimbabwean dollars, too. Such a bargain!

Well, I'm off. Got to talk to Mahmoud and Hugo about a couple of things.

Later, Dudes,

Robert Mugabe

Bobby’s Corner: To Heck With That $25,000 Dessert!

Hey everyone,

Bobby Mugabe here. I know it has been a while since I sent a letter, but it is hard work making a socialist worker's paradise, you know. The details are endless: what color interior matches the carbon flash metallic paint on the new Hummer H3^x I'm ordering? How many hummingbird tongues to order for the next banquet. You know, the important stuff. But I read with some interest about the famous New York restaurant that had bragged up their $25,000 dessert. Reuters describe the "Frrozen Haute Chocolate" as:

…….a blend of 28 cocoas fused with 0.2 ounces of edible 23-karat gold.

It comes with an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds at the base of the goblet. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound.

So what. The joint that serves it got closed because they have mice and cockroaches running about. I have a much better, higher priced treat here in my little slice of paradise! Yes, the Bobby Mugabe worker's paradise has a more expensive treat! It's called 'bread'.

Cash itself has become a tradable commodity. Swapped for products such as fuel and beef, it is attracting a 20 per cent premium to its face value.

The search for cash is an unrelenting daily ordeal for Zimbabweans, who were paying Z$1.6 million for a bus fare to and from work yesterday, Z$800,000 for a loaf of bread, and Z$700,000 for a pint of beer.

Oh sure, the western media is twisting things around:

Zimbabwe’s economic meltdown is gathering pace, with inflation spiralling to almost 15,000 per cent, according to figures leaked yesterday.

The 14,840 per cent annual inflation in October was nearly double what it was in September. Prices between September and October rose 135 per cent.

President Mugabe told state media that “Zimbabwe will not collapse, now or in the future,” even as his strategy for beating inflation with draconian price controls lay in ruins.

In June Mr Mugabe ordered businesses to slash prices to below what it cost them to stock shelves. Annual inflation has since shot up nearly 10,000 percentage points. “I am speechless,” said one economist. “I cannot get my head around these figures. They are so enormous.”

Well, that's because you are stupid, Mr. smarty-pants western economist. We here in Zimbabwe - well, the workers, anyway - are all millionaires! They can afford a hugely expensive treat called 'bread' that is more expensive than you can get at some eatery in New York. And, bonus! No rodents or cockroaches to contend with - they've all been eaten!

Well, gotta run, worshipful admirers! My friend Hugo wants a few pointers on making a great paradise work. His heart is in the right place but his pacing is a bit off. It will take him at least two years to bring his economy to the exalted level I have achieved! He can do better.

Dictatorially,

Bobby Mugabe

Bobby’s Corner: Clearing The Air

Hey everyone! It's me again, your favorite socialist icon and all-around great guy, Bobby Mugabe. Yeah, I know it's been a while, but engineering a socialist revolution is time consuming work. I just thought I'd write another of my little letters about another great victory for the cause. I thought my billions of admirers would be thrilled with the latest, greatest news. We have reached a milestone today. The last foreign, imperialist, running dog capitalist lackey airline has finally left Zimbabwe! Isn't that great news?

British Airways flew out of Harare international airport yesterday, ending 62 years of service. The London-bound BA152 left with 200 passengers aboard the Boeing 777 without any acknowledgement of the occasion. The captain of the incoming flight from London had remarked over the intercom at how sad he felt not to be able to fly in and out of Harare any more.

Last month BA, the last foreign long-haul airline left in Zimbabwe, announced that it was ending its Harare service because it had been making “a considerable loss” that it could no longer sustain. The airline’s passenger numbers began to shrink in 2000 when President Mugabe launched his violent dispossession of white farmers.

“BA’s withdrawal is a major blow to what’s left of tourism,” said a tour company operator requesting anonymity. “Air Zimbabwe [the state-owned airline] cannot make up the numbers that BA was carrying. That means people will have to fly here via South Africa or one of the other neighbouring countries, and having to make multiple stopovers is a severe deterrent to travellers.”

In 1999 Harare airport was crowded with the emblems of 18 foreign airlines with Lufthansa, Air France and TAP Portugal also linking directly to Europe. BA was flying four consistently packed Boeing 747 jumbo jets to Harare four times a week.

Hey, so it's a bit more inconvenient to fly in or out of Zimbabwe right now. But I have some assurances from a wonderful holy woman that she is working on a new, never before seen technological marvel. We expect the new, goat-powered, super-jumbo people flier to be operational soon! All it will take, I am assured, is another $200 billion to get off the ground! Since $200 billion Zimbabwean is worth about 0.30 in American money, I think it's a real bargain!

Another great victory for socialism.

Dictatorially yours,

Robert Mugabe

Bobby’s Corner: Land At Last!

Hey, everyone! Bobby Mugabe here again. I keep on fightin' the good fight against imperialism by bringing enlightened socialism to the grateful people of Zimbabwe. And I have even more good news to report!

The last of those imperialist scum who used to feed all of us here in Zimbabwe - and still have more than enough to export to other countries - are finally gone! Yes, we took their farms, fired their workers and put all those formerly productive fields into ecologically-friendly fallowness! Damn, I am good at this!

Ringed by a clutch of Zimbabwean soldiers clicking automatic weapons, Charles Lock handed over the keys to his farm and drove off his land for the last time.

Scores of white farmers, the last survivors of President Robert Mugabe's land grab, and thousands of their black workers are going through similar agonies.

They now face the final deadline. As from today, any white farmer still on his land will be deemed to be trespassing on state property.

All agricultural land was officially nationalised last year — with the seizure to take effect from Oct 1 this year.

In advance of this deadline, Zimbabwe's army and the Central Intelligence Organisation have been tormenting the last handful of white farmers and their workers.

About 50 have been summoned to appear at magistrates' courts. Some have surrendered their farms and homes in despair in the last few weeks.

Hey, one of my best buds, General Justin Mujaji and his lovely wife, Pauline, now own that formerly productive farm. They've promised to manage it right into the ground for me, too. Talk about a pal! (You know, it's really great that these pals of mine work for loot. Otherwise the payroll would be enormous.)

Well, at least now we can do away entirely with all that export rigmarole. Now we can count on the west feeding us by sending in all we need. Gotta love those "democracies", they play along so well. Oops, gotta go. I have to go talk to the guys in Burma about how to shut people like that whiner Lock up and get rid of the evidence.

Dictatorially yours,

Robert Mugabe

Bobby’s Corner: Great Economic News

Hey guys! It's me, socialist icon, tireless campaigner for humanity and all-around nice guy, Bobby Mugabe. I have more great news after my speech to the UN where I got to accuse BushCo of all kinds of things, just like my fellows there in the United States! Solidarity forever, Kidz! Anyway, I gleaned a lot of useful stuff from some US websites to use in my speech. I,m sure a lot of you Bush haters felt your lips moving when you listened in rapt attention to what I had to say. Which I'm sure you did.

Anywho, let's get on with the great news. We've managed to reach another milestone ahead of schedule! My grand economic plan is almost completed. I got that new law passed (like that was hard with those rubber stamps in the parliament!) where we get to take all the Western assets left in the country and pass them out like Halloween candy to loyal supporters! Now we'll finally reach that special goal: 100% unemployment!

Even better, we've also managed to reach another environmental goal. (I know a lot of my friends in the west have been playing up the environment, pretending they really care about it. You guys are great at that scam, really.) So I wanted to pass along that we managed to reduce our population from 12 million to just 8 million in only seven years! (I told you there were business opportunities here!). Oh sure, some are still alive despite all the AIDS patients we "cure" each month , but they live in South Africa now. Not my problem, man! But I have bragging rights for having eased the strain on natural resources! See, I can do it just like you guys do.

Well, I have to go talk to Mahmoud and give him a high five for the way he sandbagged that guy at Columbia. What a card he is. You guys keep up the good work of ignoring Zimbabwe (and Burma now, too) and keep the pressure off me, 'K?

Dictatorially yours,

Robert Mugabe

Bobby’s Corner: Luau!

Hey guys! It's me again, Bobby Mugabe, socialist icon and all-around great guy. Greetings to all my internet buddies who have been following my series of letters that tell the real truth about life in Zimbabwe, millionaire capitol of the world!

Well, I just wanted to write a short letter today to get the word out about what a fabulous job my Wildlife Management Authority officials are doing. Just the other day they saved a giraffe from some of my misguided citizens. The confused animal wandered into the southern suburbs of Harare and the locals thought it would be a nice treat fried up. But my steadfast officials stopped them in time.

Zimbabwe is suffering chronic food shortages and the animal protection society is investigating claims that a number of pets have been slaughtered.

It is not known how the stray giraffe ended up in the southern Seke district, Zimbabwe's Herald newspaper said, but police had to restrain those who wanted to kill the animal.

"We had to guard the animal until National Parks and Wildlife Management Authority officials arrived. Some villagers wanted to slaughter it so we had to remain here until it was taken to a safe place," one of the officers told the Herald……

…..It was not immediately clear where the giraffe was relocated.  

You see the lies I have to put up with? Here I go and make sure the people have plenty of pet food and some busybodies want to investigate. So, anyway the officials managed to drive the greedy people back and saved the giraffe from being fried up. (Geeze. Everyone knows frying giraffe makes the meat tough.)

Hey, while we're on the subject, if any of my new internet buds are in the area, you're all invited over to my place tomorrow. We're having a little luau to inaugurate the new super-long barbecue pit. Stop on by. (But it's BYOB, kids. Even I have to keep expenses down, you know.)

Anti-imperialistically yours,

Robert Mugabe

Bobby’s Corner: More Great News

Hey, everyone! It's me, your favorite socialist icon, Robert Mugabe again. Once again, I'm sending in another letter to counter the Western imperialist media's misinterpretation of events in my little slice of heaven on earth. And the host of my letters here on the interwebby thing has even archived all my greatest hits in one place http://bluecrabboulevard.com/category/bobbys-corner/. What a terrific guy, even if he is a capitalistic pig.

Anyway, we have reached a new milestone here in Zimbabwe. In my last letter, I told you about my plan to make every person in Zimbabwe a millionaire. We, fabulous news: we've achieved that milestone ahead of schedule because of my outstanding leadership!

A diner pulls out a huge wad of bank notes to pay a $3million bill at a Harare restaurant, underlying the economic chaos caused by hyperinflation in Zimbabwe.

With Zimbabwe's international isolation growing, the country's rapidly depreciating dollar means there are acute shortages of food and the most basic goods.

The southern African state has the world's highest official inflation of nearly 7,000 percent. Independent estimates put real inflation closer to 25,000 percent and the International Monetary Fund has forecast it reaching 100,000 percent by the end of the year.

Whoo hoo! We're number one! As I understand it, the meal in question was some fine Chinese food, washed down with some "vintage water" from Bulawayo. (That's the new, enlightened socialist name for it. We will no longer use that Western imperialist word "sewage".) And I've been talking things over with my good friend Hugo and he's given me a great idea. We're going to set the clocks here in Zimbabwe to a different, more egalitarian, time zone, just like Venezuela!

Here's the plan: we're going to reset all the clocks to midnight - and leave them there! That's right, why any of my happy fellow citizens can already tell you that a minute here already seems to last an eternity! Now it actually will! And we won't be letting citizens waste their money on expensive time pieces: they just won't need them.

Well, that's all for now. Kim's on line two trying to sell me some sort of night light. At least that's what I think he meant when he said it glowed in the dark.

Your Pal,

Robert Mugabe

Bobby’s Corner

Gee, it sure is swell getting a chance to write all these letters to folks out there on the interwebby that tell the truth about what's really going on in my little worker's paradise, Zimbabwe. I've had a chance to tell folks about a real growth industry, a surplus in pet food and my great environmental cleanup efforts. Never let it be said that Robert Mugabe isn't helping to lead his country into a glorious future! I also have to thank this Blue Crab Boulevard blog for helping me get the real word out, even if it is run by a running dog imperialist lackey.

Today, I want to tell you about my latest economic initiative. I'm working on a great economic leap forward! Yes, I'm having my minions in the parliament pass a bill that will seize all the remaining foreign companies in Zimbabwe and give them all to my close friends! Isn't that a great idea. Why the last great grab, when I took all the land, has led us to an 80% unemployment level. With this new initiative, I'll be able to realize my longterm goal: total unemployment! We'll be number one in the world! Talk about progress.

Members of a parliamentary committee that is currently debating the controversial Indigenisation and Economic Empowerment bill were told that the proposed law was both ill-timed and outdated.

Cain Mpofu, chief executive of the Zimbabwe National Chamber of Commerce, said the correction of the historical imbalances should have been tackled by veteran President Robert Mugabe's government when the former British colony gained independence in 1980.

"It, however, must be appreciated that 27 years down the road there has been an evolution and there is now significant change in ownership of business in Zimbabwe," Mpofu told the MPs.

"The timing, therefore, does not appear appropriate for the following reasons: the economy is in a tail spin, international perception about proprietary rights protection in Zimbabwe is at its lowest and inflation is the highest in the world."

"There is a likelihood of a 30 percent drop in foreign direct investment following passage of the proposed act.

"A decline in gross domestic product is also to be anticipated after implementation of the indigenisation programme," he added.

Jack Murehwa, president of the Chamber of Mines, said the government should not try to force through changes of ownership.

"Government should facilitate the operations of the sector and not impose themselves on the sector operations," he said.

"Where ownership has to change hands, this should be on voluntary and fair market values."

(Those last two guys won't be granting any more interviews, I'm afraid.) Once my dream is realized, everyone in Zimbabwe will be a millionaire! And it will only cost about 50 cents in US currency to get your first million in Zimbabwean dollars! Foreign investors (and fellow socialists) will flock here to learn economics at my feet. Well, I've got to run, Mahmoud wants to talk to me about something or other.

Your Favorite Authoritarian,

Robert Mugabe

Yet Another Letter From Robert Mugabe

Hi again, loyal readers! I've been telling all my good fiends about what a blast I've been having getting the real word out to the world about Zimbabwe. (I suspect Kim and Hugo envy my mastery of the English language.) The last two letters have been very well received so I'll just keep writing them. Anyway, I have some more great news about my country I thought I'd share.

One of the areas we take very seriously here in Zimbabwe is the environment. It is one of the cornerstones of my regime, in fact. And I am proud to announce a grand, new initiative that is really helping to clean things up in the city of Bulawayo. You know, that city government has been taken over by opponents to my enlightened rule. But I am a big man and I hold no grudges. So when I heard they had a problem with raw sewage fouling the water table, I did something about it right away! And the cleanup is progressing really, really well. I must say, the residents of Bulawayo are really stepping up and drinking as much of the sewage as they can get since we cut off the other sources of drinking water! But see how twisted the reporting is on this popular and hugely successful environmental cleanup?

It did not smell too bad and her family had not become sick, even after drinking it for the past two months. “Some people say it is sewage, but they may be making it up,” she said as she heaved a 25 litre drum up the slope and into a wheelbarrow. In any case she, like many of the poorest people in Zimbabwe’s second city of Bulawayo did not have a choice: no water has flowed through the pipes in some neighbourhoods since July. A water expert who accompanied The Times to one of several boreholes in the impoverished Cowdray Park area of the city said that the liquid at the bottom of the pit was indeed sewage that had seeped through the soil from a nearby treatment plant. As the level of ground water sinks, the thousands who come to find water are forced to dig their impromptu wells ever deeper. All around were puddles and holes.

Critics of President Mugabe say that he is using water as a tool of political repression. In the early summer heat of the semi-arid western provinces of Matabeleland, the city of about 800,000 people is fast running out of water. Three of its five main reservoirs have dried up. The fourth is expected to be empty next month and the last one will be able to supply only 16 per cent of the city’s already tightly rationed needs. “If we have even a mediocre rainy season this summer we are faced with the spectre of Bulawayo literally shutting down,” said David Coltart, MP of the opposition Movement for Democratic Change.

See all those false accusations? I told you I don't hold any grudge against those people or I would have cut off the sewage, too! Sometimes, I am just stunned by my own beneficence. I'm a regular prince. So, hey, pay no attention to that British archbishop when he starts whining. He's obviously mistaken about how good things really are here in my little worker's paradise. Well, all for now. I've got to get back to planning my next environmental initiative. We're making great strides in reducing the rodent population!

Yours in Socialist Solidarity,

Robert Mugabe

Another Open Letter From Robert Mugabe

Hey, getting the real truth out from Zimbabwe is kind of fun! I've gotten many fan letters on my skills at communication from fellow leftists, so I thought I'd follow up on yesterday's letter. I reported then about some of the distortions the world media has been making. I also pointed to a really hot growth industry over here: mortuaries. That's right, smart foreign investors have a chance to (excuse the expression) make a killing in the funeral business here in Zimbabwe. But one thing that has been bothering me is the food situation here. Look, I know things are tough right now, but they are getting better every day. In fact, I am proud to report that we now have a big surplus in pet food! Even the foreign media is impressed:

HARARE, Zimbabwe - Pets are being slaughtered for meat in shortage-stricken Zimbabwe and record numbers of animals have been surrendered to shelters or abandoned by owners no longer able to feed them, animal welfare activists say.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals said it could not feed surrendered animals or find them new homes and was being forced to kill them and destroy the corpses.

Animals, like people, are being hard hit by Zimbabwe's economic meltdown, with official inflation of more than 7,600 percent, the highest in the world. Independent estimates put real inflation closer to 25,000 percent and the International Monetary Fund has forecast it will reach 100,000 percent by the end of the year.

Vets have run out of the drug used to put down the animals and are relying on intermittent donations from neighboring South Africa. One veterinary practice was waiting for supplies to destroy about 20 animals, and on Friday could neither feed them adequately nor fatally inject them.

In its latest bulletin to donors and supporters, the SPCA said it launched an awareness campaign on "the ethical and moral issues regarding the killing and consumption of trusted companion animals."

I'm proud to report that my government has beaten the SPCA to the punch here and have produced our own guide to the killing and consumption of pet food. Personally, I am very fond of the kung pao cat, myself, but a tasty hot dog is good too. All the best recipes are in the guide! So there you have it. Another bright spot for the Zimbabwean people!

Well, I have to MoveOn, I'll send another bolt of truth when I can. This is kind of addicting.

Fondly (in a dictatorial sense),

Robert Mugabe

UPDATE: CNN Here, link may be less likely to expire. Others: Gina Cobb, Thunder Pig, A Blog For All, The Astute Bloggers,

An Open Letter From Robert Mugabe

You know, it's really hard being a ruthless dictator these days. The world press can be so hard on a guy. But I'm writing this letter to the world just to dispel some of the false reports circulating.

The media tries to say that hyperinflation of the Zimbabwean dollar is a bad thing. Sure, it's trading at about Z$260,000 to US$1 but what of it? Do realize how abundant toilet paper is in Zimbabwe right now? Why hygiene has never been this good before. And if there was any food to cook, there would be lots of fuel to cook it with!

And all the moaning about how bad the economy is. Well, let me tell you, that just is not true at all. We have a real booming growth industry right now that just begs for smart foreign investors. Get in now, on the ground floor, so to speak, and there are huge profits to be made in the funeral business! That's right, we have a really booming mortuary segment of our economy. Take that, critics!

Sure, the media complains that there is a housing shortage and that people are forced to crowd ten to a room in many areas. Well, to realize how much togetherness that prompts? And no cell phone bills! Its economic freedom writ large.

Oh, and all that whining from the United Nations - pay no attention to that. So what if the average life expectancy here in Zimbabwe is down to 37 years for a man, 34 for a woman. It just means they get out of the worker's paradise I have created sooner. See? There is a silver lining everywhere you look.

Now you'll excuse me, I have to give some economic advice to Hugo Chavez.

Dictatorially yours,

Robert Mugabe